CHILD ABUSE

I wanted to post this yesterday but I was soooooo tired and didn't. I went to bed after a cake marathon that ended at 5am Saturday morning. Then I went for Leader's Retreat in church that lasted 10hrs from 8am the same day(of course I got to church before then). So you can imagine the level of tired I was at.

At the retreat, a lot of things were talked about but all under addiction. Rev. Christy Bature Ogbeifun was the speaker. Follow the link to learn more. She defined addiction as a habit formed that forms the addict. A person who gets regularly drunk is no longer known as Steve, John, Femi etc but as "that drunkard", and so on. The addiction defines the person such that their names are no longer their identity, but their addiction. It was the best 10hrs of my life because I learned a lot of things. The highlight for me is what I want to share with you today. 

I realize that in every 10 adults, male and female alike, 8 would have been sexually abused as children. Myself inclusive. This goes on to affect our lives in a negative way and most times, the impact is subtle and we don't notice it until it becomes a major issue in our adult life. As a born-again Christian, old things have passed away and all things have become new - that's true and I believe it, but the effects still remain. These are scars so deep within our spiritual fabric that is well hidden with smiles and laughter. Getting rid of those scars is something we must do to live completely free of those terrible and traumatizing memories. Speak to your pastor about help with that or visit www.pactlife.org for help.

Now, beyond what we as adults have been through as kids, we are moms. With kids. And there is a HUGE possibility that history will repeat itself. A high likelihood. The bible is rife with examples of repeated incidences. A look at 1 & 2 Kings, and 1 & 2 Chronicles alone show that the life a father lives, gets copied, and shows progressive degeneration ( I learned that yesterday). It basically means, the bad that happened becomes 10x worse in the following generations. Are you getting my drift yet? I heard stories of people who are where they are today (their addictions) because of a traumatic event in their childhood (more sexual abuse than any other) and I wept. One that broke the heart of every person at the retreat was that of the 4year old who from the age of 1 had been abused sexually by his nanny. His mom found out after that help left them because the little boy came to his mom looking for sex so he could sleep. From his own mom!

MOTHERS WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!! It's more than food on the table, clothes on their back, a roof over their head and educated minds. Don't allow the abuse you faced come to your children. Even if you were not abused, satan is not done with destroying lives and his favorite victims are children! Wake up and realize that your child/children may have already been abused. This is very hard to accept but the reality is, there are pedophiles everywhere and you can't tell who they are by looking at their faces. Sex is a one-way door. Once the door of sex is opened to your children the wrong way, it can NEVER be closed. Innocence lost is NEVER regained. An abused child is no longer a child - he/she becomes an adult mind (often dirty) in a child's body.

As single moms, sometimes (most times) we face the difficulty of child care while we work, and when they're not at school so such abuse is higher than in 2-parent homes. Now is not the time to blame their dad for dying or abandoning you. You need to become aware and swing into action. There is a lot of information online to help you know what to do prevent this from happening but I'll put a few pointers here. These are my measures, and are not verified by anyone qualified to do so, it's just my "mommy-instinct" working here.

1.  Talk to your sons and daughters about sex. How early? As early as the age of 2. It doesn't have to be detailed or even about the birds and the bees (never got how that can teach sex to kids???) but they need to know that NOBODY should touch their pee-pee unless it's bath time. No kissing if not a family member. Immediate family member please. Teach them to speak out and especially if they are told not to tell anyone. For your older kids, demystify sex please! If you don't teach them the right thing, they will learn the wrong thing. And that leads them down the wrong path.

2.  Be careful of who you introduce your children to, and with whom you leave them. I'm lucky Aviela has Nana and my sisters, but I recognize that not all single moms are that fortunate. Statistics show that children are abused by a family member more than outsiders. I was abused by my mom's step brother. You are familiar with the news around the world - girls suffer abuse even from their biological dads. Sad! Please, be careful of who you bring home as potential parteners. The second highest rate of abusers are step-dads or boyfriends of single moms. Keep an eye always on who your children are left with by asking your children questions regularly. Because you have taught them to speak up (in step 1) they will be free to tell you about their day and not lie or keep anything back from you.

3.   Don't leave your children to be brought up by the nanny or TV. Just don't. In our society (Nigeria), house-helps double as nannies and sometimes, they're all the mom that children may know. If by the time you get home and they're asleep and the only time you've had with them is the ride to school (or not if your children use the school bus), then you need to seriously re-consider that job. Opt for fewer hours or switch jobs because once your children are grown (by abuse or not), they're gone forever. Time spent with them now that they are young is NEVER wasted. Better to be poor than have broken children. That's my opinion anyway...

4.  Most important, more than any point made here or elsewhere, pray. The Holy Spirit in us can reveal anything. He can tell you that something is about to happen and nudge you to correct the situation before anything can happen. He can tell you that a person is not okay to be around your children. He can help you in more ways than I can share. Some people call it instinct or intuition but trust me, that's the Holy Spirit. John 16:13

If it has already happened that your child/children have been abused, know that there is still hope and help for you. Talk to your pastor about this as well and know that the fact that you know about it, means that healing can happen. I am who I am today despite the massive abuse I faced because of Christ's intervention and the love of many people around me, my family, friends in the body of Christ. A lot of people have overcome this and my favorite outspoken personality is Joyce Meyer and you can read a little about her experience here as well as get some help that you can apply to your child/children. What is most important though, is that you confirm and affirm your love for them, let them know that they're still special to you, before you embark on any other journey towards their healing process.

God will help and direct you in all things, and I pray for you also that you overcome, even in this.